So, of course I've read the "Fifty Shades" trilogy, but it sure wasn't my first introduction to the world of bondage and domination. I became interested in domination quite a few years ago. My husband has always been a bit dominating in the bedroom, but I didn't really notice it as such until I started reading erotica which included domination themes. Once I realized how similar the stories were to my real life, I became interested in learning about other aspects of BDSM as well. I have since discovered a whole lot about myself, my husband, and the way we interact with each other--both during daily family life and playtime--but the biggest difference I've seen is in how I write the characters involved in these kinds of 'taboo' activities.
Recently, I joined an online community called
Fetlife, and I love it. There is more information there than I could ever inhale, and the people are amazing. There are so many sites that say one thing and end up being just bad dating sites, but this one is the real deal. There's tons of information about just about anything you could ever want to know: bondage, domination, submission, sadism, masochism, etc., and asking questions doesn't get you any dirty looks. On the contrary, I have found the members to be more than helpful and friendly.
The reason I'm writing all of this is because about a year ago, I started writing BDSM, mainly domination, into my erotica. I look back at those first scenes I wrote and think about how mild my fantasies were back then. ;) Seriously, though, over the months of reading and writing and living, I started to get confused about what a dominant should be like. Loving, caring, cruel? Some people write it one way, others another way. But really, after actually researching BDSM, reading blogs from Masters and Subs, experimenting, and so on, I've found such a range of styles that I don't think anyone could ever pinpoint exactly what works. It really all depends on the people and what they like and what they don't like.
Which finally brings me to my point. I can honestly say that most fiction novels and stories I've read that portray BDSM do it without actual knowledge on the topic. I suppose it could be just that my idea of it and theirs are different, too, but it seems to me that the majority barely scratch the surface. The biggest element of a relationship between people in the world of BDSM is trust. All partners must have absolute trust in each other. I can't even begin to explain how much that revelation has changed my view of what is and isn't 'acceptable' or arousing to me. Relationships and scenarios that seemed dirty before have taken on a whole new level of intensity, and characters I once wrote as dominating and powerful were really just bossy and superficial.
And I'm really glad I realized it before I finished my novel in progress and ended up having to rewrite the entire thing. ;)
